lame & easy halloween

None of us caught the Halloween bug this year, and it showed when the big night arrived. The house was barely decorated and the candy was even barely-er purchased. Costumes hadn't really been discussed and only one had been prepared in any sense of the word (i.e. bought off the rack from JoAnn Fabric). Josie has been, by far, the most excited about the day, and that's not really saying much.

Nevertheless, we did our best to get in the spirit today. Josie had leftover face paint from school, which added to her allure as a tooth fairy:


Rounding out the rest of the crew, we had a rock star (thrown together in less than 15 minutes, once Cayden decided that he might like some candy after all):


...a swimmer:

...and a middle-schooler who had ballet and homework and no time for (or interest in) trick-or-treating.

Sometimes I feel bad that Josie doesn't get the energized, excited parents who make a big deal out of stuff like this, but instead the busy, tired parents who honestly considered skipping Halloween altogether and taking her to the store to pick out her own bag of candy to buy. But in all honesty, Halloween is kind of weird. As Josie said herself, "so wait... I go ring the doorbell even if I don't know who lives there and they give me candy?"

Hmn.

slipping away

I vividly remember the sudden realization about 5 years ago that I didn't have little kids anymore. For 5 or 6 years before that, I begrudgingly(ish) settled on the notion that having said little kids was my (perceived) never-ending destiny and my (perceived) only purpose in life.

It was an overwhelming feeling for sure, but something that I dove into head-first, letting go of everything else. Truthfully, that wasn't a researched decision (or something I'd recommend anyone else doing) so much as a pure survival instinct. I couldn't instantaneously figure out how to balance my new role & responsibilities with anything else in the world, and I didn't have the time or energy to sit for a minute and figure that puzzle out, so I stopped trying. For good and/or bad, I gave that pair my full, undivided attention and focus.

But gradually, things calmed and steadied as the kids got older (amazing correlation there). When Cayden turned 4 and Avery started full-day school, I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, as they say. I started to feel somewhat human again, as opposed to just a Mother. Funny thing though, as refreshing as it felt, it was also super scary.

As a result of spending 5 years in my proverbial cave with my offspring, I didn't know what else to do now that they didn't need that full-time attention and focus that I'd gotten so good at giving. I cringed every time someone asked me what I was going to do now that the kids were getting older (you know, because keeping two humans alive, engaged and socially aware isn't much of anything once they reach school age). I felt guilty and somewhat worthless that I kind of still wanted to stay home, because that didn't seem like enough work anymore. But I knew I wasn't interested in working any kind of traditional job with actual hours and expectations. I'm amazed and in awe of people who can make that dynamic work, but I wasn't at all convinced that I was one of those people 5 years ago.

Enter Josie.

Seriously, I can recognize now that she was born because I was looking for an excuse to stay home. It's acceptable to stay home with babies. Nobody thinks you're slacking when you've got an infant at home and no job. And babies are a great, fulfilling project. They leave their parents little time for self-retrospection, which was just what I was trying to avoid at the time, so it all worked out beautifully. (Of course, it didn't hurt that she just happened to be the awesome creature that she is. To think that we came thiiis close to never knowing her is a scary thought.)

Just like with Avery & Cayden, I didn't spend any of Josie's "little kid" years wondering what to do with the rest of my life. Although I most definitely had days where I would have chosen to pull out my own toenails than spend one more second at home with a fussy baby, I was generally quite happy and fulfilled being at her beck & call (24 long hours a day).

So here I sit once again, with a 4 1/2 year old as my youngest child, realizing (once again) that I don't have little kids anymore. But forget that gradual light at the end of the tunnel. Josie is just plain big. I'm pretty sure we could get that girl an apartment and a bus pass and she'd be good. She doesn't need, nor does she particularly want, someone there all day to make sure she's fed and groomed and dressed and prepared to enter the world. She's got this, thankyouverymuch.

Which leaves me wondering what the hell comes next.

Since having another baby every 5 years isn't exactly going to fly, I'm forced to do some of that self-retrospection that I have avoided for so long. What I know right now is that I've got a middle schooler and that seems like the craziest time ever to start spending less time at home with the kids (second only to when she gets to high school, I suppose). I also know that between 3 schools, I wouldn't have any problem finding 40 hours worth of "work" to do each week, if that's what it takes to make me feel... whatever it is I'm looking to feel. (And I know without a doubt that I rely too heavily on parentheses. I can't help it.)


I guess I still need to do some thinking and some figuring out. Growing up is hard work.

rhythm

I've all but given up on this sad little blog, but still feel some small need to update occasionally just for my own sake. It's so handy to have a searchable record of most major events of the past few years.

The kids have been back in school for exactly a month now, and I think we are starting to find our rhythm. More so than any other year that I can recall, this transition has been hard. Really, really hard. The kids are at three schools this year and instead of sharing the drop-off duties with Andrew like we've done since the beginning of time, I'm now delivering each of them to school. Avery & Cayden both have to be at school at 8am, and it took us four weeks to determine the best way to manage that (solution: Cayden gets dropped off a few blocks away from school at 7:50, or at the door at 7:45 if we leave the house early enough, and then we head to Avery's school about 5-10 minutes away). It's a 9-mile journey round-trip, which isn't so bad I suppose, and thankfully all three kids are early-risers naturally.

Avery is adjusting fairly well to middle school, all things considered. Coming from a school where she ruled the roost last year to a school where she knew a total of about 10 kids on the first day was hard. It broke my heart to walk away on that very first day because she looked so lost in her classroom. She had a hard time figuring out the logistics of seven different classes in the day, and having to squeeze in a trip to her locker in between each of them. By the end of the first week, Andrew and I were both starting to get concerned; she wasn't sleeping well and she was an emotional wreck. But each week has been better since then, and she's loving the school. She still has slight anxiety when the homework is piled on or when she has a particularly busy week ahead, but I'm confident that she'll get the hang of that continuous balancing act with time. She gets to dance every day and is playing the clarinet in band. This week is Spirit Week at school, with a different theme each day (for my non-Facebook friends):

Crazy Hair & Socks Day

Decade Day

Disney Day

Childhood Dream Day

Neon Day

For the first year ever, Cayden is not particularly liking school. He got the teacher that he wanted and has many of his best buds in his class, but he's not jumping at the chance to go back each day by any means. He has a lot more homework than he had last year, which isn't really a huge issue for him, but he's also having to learn better time management skills. And he's being forced to actually remember when things are due because my brain has reached maximum capacity and I cannot keep it all straight. He remembered about a Monday morning book talk at about 8:05 on Sunday night, but I was impressed how calm and focused he was. After just about 30 minutes, he felt confident enough and still managed to get a good night's sleep. Generally, he has the hardest time getting used to being indoors so much after summer break. He just loves to be outside--rain or shine.

And then there's Josie. She's a senior now at her same preschool (meaning she goes 3 days/week), and is loving every minute. She gets to bring an item for show-and-tell every Wednesday, and gets a packet of homework every Friday (each coinciding with the assigned Letter of the Week) and is over the moon excited about both. She's learning to read & write more words each day and is just soaking it all in for now. We made a deal that she would start leaving Bear at home when she was a senior, and prepared for it all summer. Luckily, she had no issues with that change, and we have only misplaced Bear once since we made the switch (he was on the front porch). An unintended, but welcome change that has come along with Bear staying home is a decrease in the amount of thumb-sucking. She's getting to be such a big girl!

That's our last month in a nutshell. It's been a whirlwind, and I'm looking forward to things calming down a bit this month (fingers crossed!). As the weather deteriorates, I'm looking forward to some quiet moments... and soup. Lots of soup.